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JustFunnyQuotes
Opened 23/01/2008
Articles:
Welcome to Just Funny Quotes
Welcome to possibly the worst listing of funny quotes, jokes and phrases ever to be found on google. Its my pleasure to provide a fantastic listing of funny quotes by famous comedians, actors and others out there who inpire us to understand the funny side of life.
So Sit back, Relax and Enjoy the quotes!
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Let the funny quotes begin!
| At a cocktail party, one woman says to another "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man". | - Anonymous |
| You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" | - Dave Barry |
| "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." | - Bob Rubin |
| We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. | - Robbie Williams |
| Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. | - Gary Busey |
| It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. | - Woddy Allen |
| If you think that today went all too quickly, you never agree standing in the row at the post office. | - Australian Proverb |
| Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm. | - Malayan Proverb |
| Oh, they have Internet on computers now | - Dumbass, Homer Simpson |
| "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." |
- Mitch Hedberg |
| My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton. | -Chic Murray |
| Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here. | - Pickup Line |
| I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. | - Walt Disney |
| I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. | -Billy Connerly |
| Valentine's Day's coming? Aw crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again! | - Futurama, Fry |
| Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. | - Rod Stewart |
| I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress. | -George Bushy |
| If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? | -Steven Wright |
| It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys. | -Anonymous |
| It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. | -My Mate |
| I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem. | -Anonymous |
| Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them! | -Optemist |
| Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. | -Anonymous |
| Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. | -? |
| You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on | -Dean Martin |
| Operator! Give me the number for 911 | -Homer Simpson |
| The latest new dance craze is called, The Politician. It's two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep. | -Gov't |
| Hippies, hippies... they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play frisbee! | -Eric Cartman |
| When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep ,not screaming, like the passengers in his car | -Anonymous |
| Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? | - Jay Leno |
 I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. |
- Chris Rock |
| If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. | - Flip Wilson |
| The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. | -Anonymous |
| Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. | -Ogden Nash |
| Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so. | - Anonymous |
| Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." | - Anonymous |
| Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. | - My Doctor |
| My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend. | - Rodney Dangerfield |
| I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained. | - steven wright |
| I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" | - Bloody Jay Leno |
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